Bullying? (02-28-11)

Imagine, if you will, a crowded hallway. Two kids bump into each other going different directions. “Watch it, jerk,” one student says. “Who are you calling a jerk?” the other replies. The first kid shoves the second kid and moves on before retaliation can occur.

Imagine two other students on the playground. “I heard that you said…” one tells the other, relating a rumor. “Well, I heard you said…” retorts the other. “Well, I’m not going to play with you. You’re not my friend!” and the first student storms away.

Finally, imagine two students at lunch. One is seated, and the other sits down in an adjoining seat. Suddenly the first student gets up and without a word moves to sit with a group of students who have just sat at another part of the table.

I have seen these three scenarios occur in one form or another over my career. Shoving in the hallway, disputes on the playground, and students wanting to sit with their friends at lunch, all common occurrences in any grade school.

And at one time or another I have listened to parents express their concern that when such a incident occurred, that their son or daughter was being bullied.

We take bullying very seriously. We have a bullying policy in place, we bring in speakers to talk to the kids about bullying, and through out Character Counts program, we spend a lot of time talking about how to treat other people. Whenever I receive a concern about bullying, I investigate immediately. I talk to the kids involved and often I interview witnesses.

I define “bullying” as an act of intimidation by a stronger person over a weaker person. Bullying usually occurs over time, happening repeatedly and often without any other reason than a stronger person or group sees an opportunity to gain something from a weaker person or group. Bullying is often the result of cruelty, or some sort of power play where the bully enjoys the feeling of superiority.

So when I receive a concern about bullying, the first questions I ask are: Did the incident happen once or is it occurring every day? Was there a reason for the incident? Is one person scared or intimidated by the other?

Almost always, the answers to these questions are no. I usually discover that the incident, while the result of a bad decision and emotions out of control, are isolated events. I usually discover that there are two sides to the incident. Someone instigated, someone responded. I often find out that disputes are the result of misunderstandings. Rumors and misinterpretation usually play a part in turning molehills into mountains.

Take the last scenario. Usually, a student moving to sit with their friends is just that, and is not a deliberate act of exclusion to whoever sat next to them. However, as a school we have addressed this by requiring the students to stay put wherever they originally sit, because we don’t want to take chances that a student or a group of students would bully a classmate through intentional exclusion.

Student safety is our number one priority because we know that a student must feel safe in order to be able to learn. We care about our kids and do not want to see anyone get bullied.

Yet, that word, bullying, is used a lot. Many concerns about a student conflict begin with the words, “My son/daughter was bullied…”

I rarely ever find any actual bullying. I find evidence of altercations, bad decisions, and students not exercising good judgment or demonstrating good character. I impose consequences in order to teach students to better manage their behavior. But more often than not, there is no evidence of systematic intimidation, no domination of one student over another, no proof or a power play.

I am not saying that bullying doesn’t happen. I would suspect that bullying happens more often outside of school than in. We take bullying very seriously, and I will continue to investigate all claims of the practice.

With this article, as with my conversations with parents, I hope to educate about the difference between bullying and other types of student conflict. We at HCGS will continue to educate our students and to maintain our vigilance to keep every day squabbles from becoming the pervasive and destructive behavior that is bullying.

Wrestling with Conviction (02-21-11)

Last week, a headline in the KC Star caught my attention: “Iowa Wrestler Forfeits Rather Than Wrestle a Girl.”

It turns out that Joel Northrup forfeited his first round bout against Casey Herkelman due to religious beliefs. In a statement released by his school’s AD, the young man stated: “wrestling is a combat sport and it can get violent at times. As a matter of conscience and my faith, I do not believe that is appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner.”

Herkelman was the first female to qualify for the Iowa State Wrestling Tournament in its 85 year history, and she wasn’t alone. A second girl, Megan Black, qualified as well.

These three athletes have not only had to wrestle other people, they have had to wrestle with their convictions. They had to struggle with the decision to do what is easy, what is expected, what is traditional, versus what they believe in their hearts to be right.

I can’t imagine what they have gone through. For the young women, I can’t imagine the comments, the looks, and the prejudice they must have faced. How many times were they told they should quit, join a proper girl’s team, or conform to societal expectations? How many friends have they lost because of their decision to compete in a sport traditionally dominated by male athletes?

And for the young man, I can’t imagine the struggle to give up his chance at state recognition in order to follow his sense of right and wrong. The decision could not have been easy to make or to live with afterwards.

Wrestling presents an interesting and unique opportunity. I can think of no other sport where males can compete one-on-one against females. Wrestling allows for a somewhat even playing field. By dividing the wrestlers into weight classes, girls face boys of a similar weight. And wrestling utilizes equal parts strength, agility, flexibility, quickness, and intelligence. Pound for pound, males often possess more physical strength than females (though not always!). However, girls can be just as agile, as flexible, as intelligent, as dedicated, and as trained as male athletes. In fact, the usually lighter frame of a girl can actually be an advantage in a sport where you can be awarded points for your ability to wriggle out of tight places.

The fact that this pair of girls qualified for the state tournament proves that they were skilled wrestlers. They had to face and defeat male opponents all year. Wrestling is truly the one sport where this could be possible on a regular basis.

John F. Kennedy once said, “Nations around the world look to us for the leadership not merely by strength of arms but by strength of our convictions.” Yes, boys may have stronger arms than girls. But in my perspective, physical strength isn’t everything. Win or lose, agree or disagree, I can not help but admire people who rely not just on the strength of the muscles, but also on the strength of their convictions.